


A Tic and a Tac

by Veelitann



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Back to Earth, Death, Despair, M/M, Medication, Post War, Post-Voltron, Shatt, after the war, character examination, hopeless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 02:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13308729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veelitann/pseuds/Veelitann
Summary: Matt Holt thought that being back on Earth would be a great idea when Voltron disappeared.How could he be that wrong? How would he know that human beings would never believe him.





	A Tic and a Tac

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I finished this last night, it actually was on the way for so long and I felt like "What about finishing a short work?" cause I felt in the mood. I don't write a lot lately, so I'm sosososo sorry for the easy way I've written it! But it kinda suits the story so well, it's ok. xD
> 
> Hope you'll like it!   
> I've been wanting to write about Matt like forever, cause I love him, but couldn't until now. I have some project for this boy in the future. 
> 
> Have fun ! <3

"Mr Holt, how are you today?" 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

There was no sound in the tiny room exception being of the smooth feminine voice in front of Matt Holt. Seconds after seconds, minutes after minutes and hours after hours, there was that sick feeling crawling under his veins and he somehow hoped his fingers, his hands could clenched on the hard arms of the chair. 

Another _tic_. 

"I'm..."

Another _tac_. 

"...Fine..."

Since when had it become that difficult to even breath and swallow his own saliva? The clock hanging on the wall was running so loudly in his back that it always set his heart on fire. Time was running. His time was running. 

_He hoped he was running away again and again._

Every passing day, it was the same. Waking up in a white room, surrounded by the awful silence. White clothes, was it made out of cotton? Matt had never really been interested in such things as what his clothings were made of. The fabric was too thin to even try to bow each piece of cloth together and escape by the window. Matt knew it. He'd already tried, ready to break his neck if it wasn't enough. 

But despite his will, he couldn't make it. It was too short from that height, and he still remembered the sick feeling reaching his guts when he'd landed in the room under his without a warning, jumping through the open window. 

From that day, they'd condamned his own window and he could ear the soft, almost inaudible drone of airing. 

The sound of papers moving on the wood desk made him jump on the chair as he was getting lost in his thoughts _again_. He sucked in a breath, swallowed _hard_. Against the thin fabric of his medical clothes, Matt could feel his own skin, sticky with sweat. Under the daily medication, his body felt so limp, yet heavy and impossible to mobilate properly most of the time. 

His brain, actually, was a mess. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

"Mr Holt, do you want to talk about something today?" 

Ladies' voices had always been something that made him weak until now. But nowadays, the softness put in her words just made him feel sick, his stomach threatening to make him puke hard and short at every moment. Or maybe it was the medecine? Matt swallowed again. His saliva felt tasteless on the back of his tongue. 

His ears were full of the sound of the huge clock in his back. His heart wanted to have a race with it right now and was already winning. 

He thought. Hard. It was difficult to concentrate on something when he was haf conscious of where he was and what he was all about. His skull remembered the heavy and hard hit that had made him fall on the floor on the first day. 

"Did you know...That...'Tics' are a bit slower...Doctor?" 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

His heart was beating so hard and so fast that it was making him sicker and sicker. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

He wanted to puke. 

A _tic_. 

Matt tried to stop breathing for a second. 

A _tac_. 

He didn't even feel like he was still alive. 

"What do you mean?"

A _tic_. 

He hated her. 

A _tac_. 

He hated them all. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

Earth wasn't welcoming anymore. 

She had raised an eyebrow, her gaze coming up from her papers to his face. Even if he didn't really meant it, he was staring at her and at the same time he didn't care that much for her looks. Was she beautiful? Yes. She was. Did he care? No. 

She didn't have messy light brown hair with huge round glasses. 

She didn't have a cool and comfortable tummy to put your head on for a short rest. 

She didn't have a weird and cute mullet. 

She didn't have a slightly tanned skin nor amazing blue eyes. 

She didn't have a silky white hair nor the sweetest smile ever. 

_She didn't have a deep scar across her tiny nose._

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

He coughed, unable to hold his breath any longer and she sighed. 

"Mr Holt," she repeated. "You've been under detention and medication for now three months. I'm sure that you're not what you try to make us think." 

For an entire minute, Matt stared at his own knees. 

"Do you know that there are as many other galaxies as living creatures?" He murmured. 

She frowned. "You're at it again?"

A _tic_. 

Medication kicking in his system always made him wonder about what was real. Wasn't it amazing to see how easy it was to manipulate someone's mind?

A _tac_. 

He snorted. 

"Thanks to Voltron...They still exist...."

He regretted that time when he still had to wear glassed. He didn't want to be able to see properly anymore. He didn't want to acknowledge the fact that he was back. He couldn't stand the idea of hating his homeplanet. 

A _tic_. 

There was that huge and heavy lump in his throat. 

A _tac_. 

"It doesn't matter how many time you're going to tell those stories, Mr Holt," she hissed, and this looks of anger quickly setting on her face definitely suited her better than that fake sweetness. "Life isn't a tale. You won't hide everything forever." 

"I've already told you everything," he breathed. 

And like everytime she was trying to have this conversation with him, he knew exactly how this will lead. 

She narrowed her eyes, and slowly put her pen on her desk. 

"Mr Holt, I thought that you were being more intelligent." 

"Oh, I am." 

A _tic_. 

"The army is still looking for any trace of Shirogane Takashi and Samuel Holt. Do you remember them? You know, Samuel Holt is your _own father_."

A _tac_. 

It was driving him mad. 

A _tic_. 

He wanted to yell.

A _tac_. 

He wanted to cry. 

A _tic_. 

His mouth felt awfully dry. 

A _tac_. 

"I...Remember...," he murmured. 

A _tic_. 

He wanted to join his hands. Wanted to pray. For them, for their souls. Matt had never believed in anything else than technology, computers, algorythms. 

A _tac_. 

Algorythms didn't save them. 

A _tic_. 

"What happened, _Matthew_?" Her voice had suddenly smoothered, as always. 

A _tac_. 

With a sigh, he closed his eyes. He wouldn't talk. He felt sick. In his back, the huge clock was driving him madder and madder and he was losing it as the medecine was killing his sense of reality. 

But was it even real? What was real, after all? 

Wat had happened, in the end? 

He remembered the pain, the long suffering, the fear, the distress, the tears, his own broken voice when everything was becoming darker and darker all aroung _them_. 

When they were disappearing, slowly at first. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

When they became close to _nothing anymore_. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

When they actually became _nothing anymore_. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

When it became dark, and nothing else. 

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

When it became so silent, so quiet in the entire galaxy, that he thought he was dead and floating in the middle of space.

A _tic_. 

A _tac_. 

But he actually was the only one alive. 

A _tic_. 

"I--" 

A _tac_. 

He swallowed his saliva again. It was always the most difficult thing to do when his tongue was so dry. But it helped him to remember who he was. Where he was. 

"Matthew?" She tried again. Behind her desk, she was out of reach. She didn't fear him at all; they had cuffed him to the chair, like every time. 

A _tic_. 

Galras. Voltron team. The Castle. The rebellion. 

A _tic_. 

He was alone. 

A _tac_. 

And all the planets had celebrated the end of Zarkon's Era.

A _tic_. 

They never cared about Voltron disppearing in that awful exlosion.

A _tac_. 

And Matt had never forget that day. 

A _tac_. 

"I don't want--" he whined. He sounded pitiful. He knew it. But even at this rate, he was unable not to remember the images of what had happened. "I don't want to say it again." 

His reality didn't fit theirs. His words couldn't fill those nice books waiting for History. 

A _tic_. 

"I'm so deceived, Matthew."

A _tac_. 

"I wonder how such a clever and talented ingeneer ended with some kids fairy tale," she sighed. 

A _tic_. 

He giggled. He felt tired. 

A _tac_. 

"Who knows?" he slowly enunciated. "I'm just feeling so high with all your treatments. Tell me, Miss..." 

A _tic_. 

She leaned a little. 

A _tac_. 

"Would you even believe me know, if I tell you that Voltron has never existed?" 

A _tic_. 

"Of course not," she said. "Mental illness doesn't mean you've become stupid." 

A _tac_. 

"So what do you expect?" 

A _tic_. 

She didn't answer. 

A _tac_. 

It was like driving a boat stuck under water. The room was hot and the air felt heavy. His heart was beating so hard, so fast, and he was getting so tired of everything. 

How could people ruin someone's memory that easy? 

A _tic_. 

"Shirogan--" But he paused. 

A _tac_. 

"Shiro...Was an amazing man..."

A _tic_. 

"Did you know that he was the sweetest person alive in the universe?" 

A _tac_. 

He wanted to cry. 

A _tic_. 

If he closed his eyes, even under medication, he could fully remember the feeling of those amazing hands gently patting on his head after a mission. The feeling of strong arms circling his shoulders when they were back, safe. 

The feeling of lips against his skin. Warm. 

A _tac_. 

_Safe_. 

He'd searched for days, weeks, months. With a dead hope. 

A _tic_. 

He never found the bodies. 

A _tac_. 

He never saw _him_ after that last battle. 

A _tic_. 

"They saved the universe," he murmured. "Can you believe in sacrifying yourself for the entire universe?" 

A _tac_. 

"Matthew, please." 

A _tic_. 

"They were amazing... "

A _tac_. 

"Stop it," she hissed. "You're not helping." 

A _tic_. 

Cuffs were painful on his wrists when he moved, too fast, too strong. 

A _tac_. 

But it was nothing compare with the pain running from his scars scatterd all over his body and face. 

A _tic_. 

He was mad. 

A _tac_. 

And lost. 

A _tic_. 

"They FUCKING SAVED THE UNIVERSE!" 

A _tac_. 

"Calm down, Matthew. It's ok, you're ok here." 

A _tic_. 

"I'm NOT!" 

A _tac_. 

"You're safe," she insisted. 

A _tic_. 

"I'LL BE FUCKING SAFE WHEN YOU BELIEVE ME!" 

A _tac_. 

"You're sick. You're incredibly sick, being for so long in space was definitely dangerous and a mistake and we'll make sure not to renew such an experience with anyone else." 

A _tic_. 

Every day. Every week. Every month. All the same. Same words, same gestures. Same facial features. 

Going back to Earth had been the biggest mistake he'd ever made. 

A _tac_. 

And something was breaking, slowly, day after day. 

A _tic_. 

"I beg you," he whispered. "At least, tell me you called their family..." 

A _tac_. 

"I don't even know who you're talking about," she sighed, then quickly gave a look at her papers. "Lance? Keith? Hunk? Pidge? Who are they even?" 

"The-- THE GARRISON! I've told you to FUCKING LOOK AT THEIR FILES AT SCHOOL!" 

A _tic_. 

She rolled her eyes. 

A _tac_. 

"Calm down, I said." 

"MY SISTER WAS ONE OF THEM!" 

"Katie Holt was dismissed from the garrison after you disappeared." 

"I TOLD YOU SHE WAS PIDGE! FUCK YOU, THEY FUCKING DIED! THEY SAVED YOU FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" 

His voice was as _broken_ as he was. 

A _tic_. 

He was hardly breathing. He hadn't even seen Katie, his dear small Pidge, on her last moment. 

His dear, dear small space warrior of a sister. 

A _tac_. 

"We're done for today, Mr Holt." 

A _tic_. 

"I hate you." 

A _tac_. 

"Good to know. I'll ask for more guards at your door. I don't even understand how you escaped last time."

He wanted to spit at ther face. After Galras, a human military psychiatric hospital was a piece of cake. At least, he'd thought like that on the first month. He'd underestimated them in killing the truth and making you crazy as hell. 

A _tic_. 

"I wish Voltron didn't succeed in erasing the Galras so they would be fucking taking you in a space prison _like they did for us_!"

A _tac_. 

She sighed again and stood up, then took off her glasses. 

"Mr Holt," she slowly said. "There's no such things as Voltron, or Galras, or alien rebellion. Space is space, and you're sick. Incredibly sick. And somehow I start believing that Shirogane Takashi and Samuel Holt died in the Kerberos mission...Denial can be also due to the trauma of losing them. It must have been hard. Your father...And supposedly, your lover? You're an easy man, Mr Holt. And weak." 

A _tic_. 

It didn't matter how hard he was yelling at her. At them. It never helped. Everytime, there were those rough hands on him, taking him back to this dark and silent room. 

For hours, he wouldn't be able to move. 

For hours, he would be alone with himself, alone with his memories, unable to tell if everything was real or a nightmare. 

For hours, he would play the last scene of Voltron behing his closed eyelids, crying over a memory he'd rather prefer not to have. 

Warm smile were gone. 

Soft hands had disappeared. 

Sweet gazes didn't exist anymore. 

Loving lips would never smile at him anymore. 

_Kisses. Tight hugs after a mission, hidden in a corner of a corridor in the castleship, so they couldn't see them._

And for hours again, he would wait, his throat sore from yelling too much, unable to move, unable to speak properly, fear and hatred running through his veins, invading his hot blood. 

For months now, the memory of the last moment of Voltron was his only obsession. 

Because at the right moment the entire universe had regained everything in a second, Matt Holt had lost everything he had in the universe. 

His only sister. 

And the only man he could have sacrificed everything he had for. 

_He couldn't even tell their story._

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are!  
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment to tell me your feelings about this! <3


End file.
